March 23 2012

Well we learned that Devin's first surgery was going to be on March 23, 2012. We had a busy week of the 19 thur 23 appointment after appointments between Cj and Devin. We got the phone that we have been waiting for on Thursday saying that Devin's surgery was schedule at 930 so we had to be up at Primary Children's Hospital by 8 in the morning on Friday. We arrived and got set up and then the waiting game began. Well, Dr. Fairbanks was running a little late so the surgery was pushed til 10. He went back for surgery by 1030. It was a 3 hour wait and one that I'll have to more to come. He is now doing great and going back to himself. It's a long hard road for me and emotionally as well. At times I feel like I'm a failure as a wife and a mother. But I'll do ookay.

The Date Is Set

The date is set for March 23, 2012.

I know this day was coming, but not this soon. It's so surreal to think two weeks as of this friday that my lil' guy is going in for his first set of surgeries. I really don't know how I feel right now about it?!? I know I'll be fine physically but emotionally no. I hate the thought that my lil' guy is going to have to have surgeries at a young age, but I know it is best for him in the near future. I guess it is a bitter sweet moment at this time. I came into this knowing that he'll have to have surgeries, but the realization of it all is sinking in at once. It feels as though a ton of bricks had been drop from a skyscraper on to my chest and is crushing my heart. I love my lil' guy and I want what is best for him. I have faith in the surgeons that are going to do surgeries on my son. I know deep  down that everything will be okay and my son will come out of this like a champ that is his. He is a strong lil' guy that he is for being 3 months old. I know that my heavenly father is watching over him and as for my grandma Kerr and Wanlass are watching over him and so is lil' Jeremy. I know I have the love and support of my family for him and the greatest of them all is my husband. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my husband by my side going through this time in our life. I don't know if I could ever do it alone?!? I'm scared really scared and I don't know why?!? I want to find a dark hole and hide for  a little while until I can get my emotions under control and be strong for my lil' guy. I don't want to see my lil guy any pain, but it's more than likely going to happen and there is nothing I can do I feel so helpless for him and I really don't know what I'm going to do. I could scream?!? Or I could cry?!? Bur what is that going to do for me, NOTHING but give me a headache. (This is not depression this is me being worried and concern for the safety of my child.) We will find out what time the surgery will be the day before the surgery is schedule but it's looking like 9 am and the surgery will go for 3 hours.

It's Official

It's Official- Devin goes in February 27 at 1pm to see all of the surgeons and then hopefully we can have a date set when his first set of surgeries will be. It's getting so close and I'm glad that it is going to happen. 

On another note Devin is almost 3 months on the the 29th. I finally beginning to get him a on schedule finally after almost 3 months. I love him dearly. Oh my how times flies fast. The next thing I'll now he'll be a year old.

Today I grieve!!

Today started as any other day until we receive the news. We just learned that we lost a family member today. He was only 17 years old and his name was Jeremy. It pains me to see my husband in so much pain, cause he was close to Jeremy. It's sad to see a young life gone and it was unexpected and sudden. Life is short and we always take things for granted and never realizing all the things we have in life until it is to late. I know that we will see him again and that he really didn't leave us he is still with us in our hearts. He is now angel watching over us as we go on with our lives. It so sad to see his life end at such a young age, but know he can watch over all of us and make sure we are safe and sound. We will miss you and we will always love you Little Jeremy. You were a great kid and you always made to room joyful when everyone is not happy. I'm grateful that I got to meet you when I did and I'm also grateful that you got to meet Devin when you did. Please watch over the family and make sure everyone is safe and sound during this time of grieve and when the holidays come around. Rest In Peace little Jeremy God bless you and always know we love you. I wish we would of known what we know now so we could of helped you when you needed. You were never alone you always had us and your family to help you through anything that is was family is. But I know down deep we will see you again and then we can get the answers to all the question we have, but as for now our question will remain unanswered.

I sit here trying my hardest to get over this so I can be strong for my little boy, but it hurts me to know that something like that can happen to him and I want to protect him for the rest of his life, but how can I protect him from himself when he gets older?  It scares me knowing that anything can happen to him ( But I know nothing will happen to him I know its just depression with what happened today talking) and I have no control over. My prayers goes out to my family.

Christmas!!! And other updates

Well this was our second Christmas together as a married couple and this is Devin's first Christmas...

We didn't have a whole lot of money to get each other expensive gifts, but the greatest gift of all is our son Devin.... We went to Cindy and Jer's place first to get our christmas present that they got us. Devin really didn't care about anything he was a good little baby and slept most of the time. Then we went to Grandma Levin's place to give her christmas present to her. We then went to granny and grandpa's and visit for a little bit. Then we went to his parents house so Cj can be able to talk to Michael when he calls. As we arrived he had just called and was talking with Chris. We give out present and visit, Cj got to talk to Michael for a little bit and then Shawntel and Thad arrived and gave their gifts. We were invited to stay for dinner with his parents. Then we went to Brenda's place for a little bit and then we came home.

We really didn't do much for new years expect go to Cindy and Jer's. It was nice to get out of the house for a change. I'm constantly stuck in the house with no one to talk to or hang out with except for Devin but that is if he is a wake most of the the time he is sleeping. At least this new year was better than last year cause last year we was in the process of moving out of the apartment that we were living at. I believe it was for the best cause we are in a different place that is better and I now have a wonderful little boy. I hope this year is a better year, but I have to make with what I got cause this year is full of surgeries for Devin to get his cleft lip and cleft palate repair. I know that everything is going to be okay and when everything is done he would look as if he never had a cleft lip and cleft palate.

December 29 was Devin 1 month mark and I can't believe is he a month already, well he'll be going on two this month. But it feels as if I just had him a couple of weeks ago, I can't believe how fast the time has gone. I miss being pregnant with him, but at the same time I'm glad he is here cause I can now hold him. He is really a good baby he doesn't really get that fussy unless it is feeding time or he is fight sleep. I'm still trying to get him on a schedule, but as stubborn as he is he fights but eventually we win and he goes to sleep.